Irrational Episodes of DOOM
by Insane Rice of the Cosmos
Summary: Formerly 'Headshot'. Now a collection of improbable fics about improbable happenings.
1. Headshot

_**Random bit of brain fluff, just like the last one, mates. If you were hit over the head with a blunt object, and you were transported to some freaky world where everything's not as it should be, how would you react? Also, this is a G1 setting.**_

_**Side note: OF COURSE THEY'RE ALL OOC. THAT'S THE POINT. Also, there's JazzxProwl, but not in the way you'd think. –evil smile-**_

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"Owww…"

Bee sat up, rubbing the back of his armored head. "Feels like the Dinobots trampled me or something…" He groaned, stretching and looking around. That was the first mistake.

Optics wide, he seemed to be staring at a rather messed up version of Ratchet's Med lab. But it wasn't stark and spotless as it should be, it was painted a rainbow of colors. There were so many different shades it hurt Bee's optics. He jerked around suddenly when he heard a profound, "Hey, maaaan. You're up. That's good."

Mistake number two.

Bee was looking at a very colorful Ratchet. Instead of his usual white and red color, he was several different shades of blue…"Uh, Ratchet, are you ok?" Bee asked, blinking.

The Medic laughed. "Ya, man, I'm cool. It's you I'm not so zen about, maaaan. You took a nasty bump to the head and you sorta fell over. Tough, little man."

"Ok, now I know you aren't ok." Bee said worriedly. "Why are you talking like that? You sound like a hippie or something."

"Maaan, you're worse than I thought. I've always talked like this, maaaan. As for being a hippie, I'm not. I just feel the need to be zen, ya know?" Bee didn't know, but he nodded anyway. "Anyway," The Medic continued, "Ironhide, Op and Jazz are real worried 'bout you, little man. Let's get you up so we can show them you're ok."

Bee got up off the metal slab and followed Ratchet out of his optical nightmare he called a Med lab.

-

"Ironhide, mah man! Bee's ok!"

"Duuude! That's great!" The trigger happy high fived with the Medic. "That's not only great…"

"It's excellent!" both said, and some random air guitar music came from nowhere. Bee was watching, still not believing his optics.

DID IRONHIDE JUST SAY 'DUDE'?!

"Ironhide, Ratchet, I think you both have cracked…" Bee said nervously. The two older mechs looked at Bee with puzzled looks on their faceplates.

"Like, little dude, we always talk like this. Ratch, are you sure he's, like, ok?" Ironhide shifted his gaze to Ratchet.

"Man, I checked him out, like, twenty times! I'm pretty dang sure he's ok." Ratchet retorted, then stopped. "Whoa, major chi unbalance. I have to get zen again."

"I'll join ya, bro!" Ironhide said cheerfully, following the medic back to the lab, leaving Bee as confused as ever.

-

"Ello, ello, wot's all this then?"

Two familiar faces came into view as the others left. "Sunny! Sides!" Bee said cheerfully. His smile faltered as the normally mischievous Twins frowned at him.

"Bee, I thought we told you at least a billion bloody times, I'm Sideswipe…" the red twin began.

"And I'm Sunstreaker! We prefer not to be addressed in such a way as common nicknames!" the yellow twin concluded. "Now, we're on the trail of some rule breakers. You know the ones."

"Actually, wouldn't that be you two?" Bee asked innocently.

The Twins exchanged glances. "Ah, our apologies, Bee. We forgot you suffered a recent head injury and your CPU is a bit…What's the word?" Sidesswipe mused.

"Addled? Confused? A bit loopy?" Sunstreaker suggested.

"Ah, well put, old bean. At any rate, the two culprits we're looking for go by Prowl and Jazz. I don't expect you to have seen them, due to your injury. Nevertheless, we'll track them down soon enough. Care to join us?"

The info went over Bee's head for two astroseconds. Then it hit him. PROWL?! What was going on in here?!

Sighing in a defeated way, he said, "Sure. Why not?" That was his third mistake.

"Well played, mate. Now come along, we don't have all day!" Sunny said, smiling and pulling Bee along.

-

As they made their way down the hall, a loud BANG came from a few doors down. Smoke poured from under the door. Three coughing, hacking figures emerged from the now open door.

"AHA! Rotten bounders, we've got you at last!" Sides leapt into the smoke, tackling a figure to the ground. "Oh dear. Sorry Wheeljack." Sides had grabbed the wrong mech.

"They're getting away!" Sunny snarled, running after the two others who were trying to make a break for it. Sides, who'd dusted Wheeljack off, resumed his pursuit.

"Jack, you ok?" Bee rushed up to the Scientist.

"Huhuhu. Never better, Bee." He said, voice slightly different, as though he wasn't…

"Uh, Jack? Are you sure? You sound different." Bee remarked. Wheeljack clearly wasn't listening, but humming some song he'd heard before.

Bee decided to leave before he broke into song or something.

-

Roaming the halls of Ark, Bee pondered what in the world was going on. Everything was different and everyone was out of character. Ironhide and Ratchet were complete hippies, Sunny and Sides were being serious and responsible, Prowl and Jazz were pranksters and Wheeljack, he concluded, was stupid.

Something didn't add up. Jazz had always been a prankster. Why wasn't he different?

Unfortunately, his question was answered as Prowl skidded to a halt before him. "Hey Bee!" he said, grinning. "Glad to see you're back on your feet! Litsen, don't tell anyone I'm in here!" He dashed into a supply closet, giggling.

All of a sudden, a white femme ran around the corner, looking around wildly. Her chest armor had a red and blue stripe on it, and her doorwings had the number four painted on them. Noticing Bee, she said sharply, "You! Where's Prowl gone? He left me behind again!"

Bee stood there, dumbfounded. "Do I know you, miss?" he asked weakly, having a horrifying suspicion to who this femme was.

She blinked. "Oh right, Bee, I forgot about your injury. I'll remind you if you don't remember. It's me, Jazz. You know, Jazz? Prowl's sparkmate slash partner in crime? Can you point where's he's gone and run off to? I'm gonna kick his aft when I get him…" Bee pointed weakly to the supply closet where Prowl was hiding. "AHA!" she screeched, and kicked down the door. "You aft! How could you leave me again!?"

Prowl grinned and planted a kiss on her faceplates. "Sorry hun." He said apologetically.

"You charmer." She said, laughing. "Come on, Sunny and Sides'll have our hides if they catch up to us." Both ran off, laughing, and leaving a horrified and confused Bee.

-

Bee didn't move for a few astroseconds, then walked in a calm manner to Optimus' office. Perhaps he could explain what was going on. If not, Bee would promptly go insane.

As he reached Optimus Prime's office, he ducked as a cube of energon came flying through the doorway. "YAH, TAKE THAT, YOU PUSSY! AUTOBOTS, WE'RE UNDER ATTACK!" Optimus didn't need to use the intercom system. Anyone who couldn't hear him needed their audios repaired.

The red and blue appeared to be battling a swarm of Decepticons single handedly. Why did he call for back up? He was handling the situation just fine by himself.

-

All of a sudden, Optimus and the Decepticons stopped. "Starscream." The mech snarled. The Seeker was making his way to the head of the crowd, Megatron following in a sniveling way. "Prime." He said, voice as cool and slow as frozen butter. "I trust you've been practicing."

"I have, brother, I have." Optimus said, optics narrowing in disgust for his robo rat of a brother. "Shall we take this to the Rec Room?"

"Quite." The Seeker said, turning on his heel and stalking off, the Decepticons following.

-

As Optimus turned, he spotted a bewildered looking Bumblebee. "Oh, hello, Bee. I see you're ok. Report to the Rec Room, ASAP. And gather the others. We need to settle this once and for all."

The red and blue mech sauntered off, Bee running after him.

-

The 'Rec Room' was actually a massive battle arena under the ARK. The Decepticons were already there, waiting patiently.

As the Autobots entered the arena, Jazz waved to one of her girl pals, Skywarp, who waved back. Prowl nodded at Thundercracker, who was Prowl's long time rival and Skywarp's sparkmate. The mech nodded as well.

-

"Alright, you all know the rules." A small bot simply known as Ref stood in between the Decepticons and Autobots. "Pick your mains and back ups."

"I'm the main, Soundwave's my back up." Starscream said plainly.

"I'm the main, Jazz is my back up." Optimus stated.

Prowl embraced Jazz from behind. "You be careful out there, hun." He said softly.

"When am I not?" she asked, as she followed Optimus to the center of the arena.

-

"Mains, step up to the platform." Ref said. The Autobot and Decepticon leader stepped onto an elevated stage. Four arrows, one for north, south, east and west appeared under their feet. A screen appeared in front of the mechs. "The song is 'You Get to Burning' on expert mode. We'll begin in ten earth seconds…nine…eight…"

Bee suddenly realized what was going on. "It can't be…" he muttered, horrified.

"Begin!"

Sudden music played. Arrows appeared on the screen like lightning bolts as the mechs kept pace easily.

DDR.

Optimus was surprisingly graceful despite his big size. He kept pace with Starscream easily. The Seeker, however, was having a harder time keeping up. When the song finally ended, they both had the exact same score. "A tie breaker will be needed." Ref announced, but both mains were too winded to do another round. "Back ups, you're up."

Jazz strode gracefully onto the platform, Soundwave following silently. "The song is 'Open Your Heart' on Expert mode. Ten seconds…"

As the music started, Bee saw exactly how good they were. They were both experts to the highest degree. Jazz was moving fluidly, as most femmes will, but she made it into an art. Soundwave's technique was not as fluid, but it was just as good. No one would really expect the bulky bot to be so graceful.

As the song progressed, Soundwave started playing dirty, using cleverly disguised attacks/ dance moves to try and trip Jazz, who dodged and looked like a pro doing it. Prowl was yelling at Ref, who wasn't listening, but staring at Jazz's performance with rapt attention.

Finally, as the song ended, Jazz had emerged victorious, smiling at Soundwave, who'd fallen off the stage.

Bee was among the Autobots crushing Jazz in a group hug. He had to admit, this odd reality just needed time for one to get used to it, but it wasn't that bad. That's when Optimus' arm hit him in the back of the head.

-

"Owww…Crap, I hate when that happens…" Bee sat up, rubbing the back of his head. Looking around, he saw he was in Ratchet's Med bay, sans the colors. The Medic looked relieved by Bee's recovery. "Ah, Bee, glad to see you're up. Sunny and Sides were pestering me about you earlier, by the way. They were hoping you could pull something with them."

"You mean they lost their British accents?"

Ratchet raised and looked at Bee. "What British accents? Did Starscream hit your head to hard?"

"That depends. I went to a world where you and Ironhide are hippies, Jazz is a femme and is Prowl's sparkmate, Sunny and Sides are serious and lack humor, Starscream's the leader of the Decepticons, and…"

"Ok, you need rest. No buts, that bang on the head must have been worse than I thought."

-

As Bee lay in the Med lab, confused, he wondered if this was really his reality. Perhaps, perhaps not. But one thing was for sure.

He really didn't want to go back to the one he'd visited.

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_**HAHAH! Bet some of that threw you guys fer a loop, eh? Hope you liked it. I couldn't stop laughing at the part where Jazz is a femme… XD I'll be writing other things soon. Look for them!**_


	2. CANDY FREAKIN' MOUNTAIN!

**I intended this to only be a one shot, but I couldn't help myself. XD**

**I've got three more ideas, but this one, featuring Starscream, is probably the most retarded…or it's brilliant. Whatever.**

**It's mostly about the Twins parodying 'Charlie the Unicorn'. I still hate those unicorns, but the material's a bit too much to pass up. And I don't own it…it's someone else's. Really.**

**This is a G-1 setting…but it'll switch in a bit.**

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"Heeeey, Starscream, hey Starscream wake up!"

"Yeah, Starscream, you silly sleepy head, wake up!"

-

Starscream groaned and sat up…and came face to face with the Lambo Twins. "ARGH!" he yelped and ALMOST opened fire. "What are two doing in my room?!"

"That's hardly the point." Sunny said. "The point is, we found a map!"

"To Candy Mountain!" Sides put in, nodding. "CANDY FREAKIN' MOUNTAIN! Hey, come with us!"

"Yeah, it'll be an adventure! We're going on an adventure, Starscream!" Sunny said gleefully.

The Seeker blinked. Obviously some stupid prank or something… "Yeaaah, Candy Mountain. I'm just going to go back to recharge." He rolled over, shuttering his optics.

"NUU! You have to come with us, Starscream!" Sunny proceeded to shake the recharge bed in a manner that was much like an earthquake.

"Yeah, Starscream! Candy Mountain's a land of sweets and joy…and joyness." Sides said, a dreamy expression on his face plates.

"Stop freakin' shaking my recharge bed…" Starscream snarled, unshuttering one optic. "And I'm a stinkin' Decepticon, in case you haven't noticed. I destroy places like that!"

"CANDY MOUNTAIN!" The Twins said more insistently.

"FINE! JUST SHUT THE SLAG UP!"

-

The Twins were practically dragging the sleepy Seeker along, skipping and singing obnoxious songs.

"Would you two shut up?" Starscream snarled, still irritable.

"Hey look, out first stop!" Sunny said, pointing at a dark lump just ahead.

As the three got closer, Starscream saw it was one of the Autobots…Erm, Dinobots, to be exact. "Isn't that whatshifaceplates, Grimlock?" The Seeker asked, crossing his arms. The Dinobot leader appeared to be taking a nap…or something.

"Nooooo...well, yes, but he knows the way to Candy Mountain!" Sunny said, sweatdropping.

"Plus, he's MAGICAL!" Sides put in, appearing out of nowhere.

"There's no such thing as Candy Mountain OR MAGIC." The Seeker said in a final sounding voice.

"SHUN THE NONBELIEVER."

"SHUUUUUUN."

Silence.

"…Suuure." The Seeker said, rolling his optics. At that point, Grimlock began snoring loudly.

"He's spoken!"

"He's told us the WAY!" The Twins dashed off, leaving a bewildered Seeker behind. Sighing, Starscream followed. This might be good for a laugh. If not, he could just beat those two idiots to a pulp.

-

"Just over this bridge, Starscream!"

The 'bridge' looked rather…unstable, to say the least. It was an old metal bridge, rusting down to the supports and over a violently churning river that looked REALLY, REALLY DEEP.

'Pfth, I'll just fly over that little mess.' Starscream thought, a smug smirk on his faceplates. Transforming, he soared over the bridge, only to have several small pellets puncture his wings…among other things. Let's just say, things he'd rather not mention ever again.

"Starscream, you dirty little cheater!" Sunny yelled. "That's what you get!"

As the Seeker landed, the bridge groaned in protest…and began to crumble. 'Oh slag.' He thought.

And fell into the five inch deep river.

Anticlimactic? Very. Hilarious? The Twins thought so.

-

"We're here!"

A very wet Starscream trudged after the Twins, swearing to do horribly terrible things to their internals and bodies…until he looked up.

A twenty story mountain of candy sat before him, brightly colored and arranged in a way that it hurt the Seeker's optics to stare at the thing for too long.

"Well, what do you know? It would seem you two idiots aren't lying this time." The Seeker said, a hint of disbelief in his voice.

"Go inside the Candy Mountain Cave, Starscream!" Sunny urged.

"Yeah! There's a massive supply of geothermal energy inside!" Sides added.

"I'll only go in if you two go in first. I'm no fool." Starscream sneered. The Twin's exchanged glances. "Aw, you caught us, Starscream." Sunny said, sadness in his voice.

"We were planning on ambushing you with a hot fudge cannon Wheeljack made for us. You're way too smart for us." Sides said, voice filled with defeat. "We'll go in."

As the Seeker watched the Twins walking into the cave, he smirked. "That's right, fools!"

"Who're you calling a fool, Starscream?"

The Seeker spun around to see Optimus Prime and the rest of the Autobots standing right behind him.

"Oh sweet Primus…"

-

Starscream sat up, panting and looking around.

"Oh…just a stupid dream…Good." The Seeker rolled over and slept on…Not noticing the massive cannon aimed at him at the foot of his recharge bed.

"Ready Sunny?"

"Ready Sides. FIRE!"

"ARGH!"

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**BLEGH. This felt like a good idea at the time I thought of it…**


	3. Cross Dressing?

**Of course I'm still writing these. What, are you CRAZY OR SAMTHING? I'm not going to let something as small as the holidays stop my typing fingers!**

**So Megatron has the tar beaten out of him one too many times and he needs a…well, new body. Let's just say the possibilities are endless. Also, there may be some StarscreamXMegatron, but if you read the first story, you'll see what I mean when I say it's a 'Not as it seems' relationship. It's a bit fuzzy, but I'm really typing this because I'm bored.**

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"Owww…my stinkin' head…"

Megatron sat up, rubbing the back of his head, confused to the Pit and cranky too. "All I remember was Prime and his stupid new sword weapon thing, and…"

"Ah, Lord Megatron, you're up!"

The Decepticon leader turned to see Starscream standing dutifully next to the recharge bed Megatron rested on. "Obviously, you twat." Megatron growled, glaring at the Seeker. "Now, when's the next time we can get at the Autobots? I need revenge for my sore head."

"Not anytime soon, ma'am."

"EXCUSE ME? MA'AM'? Did you get hit upside the head too?"

"Erm, no, Lady Megatron. You see…Prime really did a number on your body…if fact, it was damaged beyond repair…so Soundwave made you a new one…but we lacked the necessary parts to make a mech's frame, so…"

The Decepticon Med Bay's walls were polished to a dull sheen. Megatron looked into the surface…and screamed a very femme like scream.

-

"SOUNDWAVE, YOU'LL DIE FOR THIS!"

The leader of the Decepticon was on a massive rampage, only being held back by Starscream.

"LET GO! I MUST GO FIND SOUNDWAVE AND SHOVE FRENZY UP HIS EXAUHST VENT!" Megatron snarled, shaking a fist at the Seeker. "HOW DARE HE MAKE ME A FEMME!?" Indeed, Megatron was in navy blue and grey femme armor and a helmet to match. "I WILL NOT TAKE THIS SITTING DOWN!"

"It's only a temporary body, Lady-"

"LORD!"

"Right, LORD Megatron,..We've already sent for more parts so we may rebuild your old body." Starscream explained in a voice he'd never used with Megatron before…

Actually, Megatron recognized this as Starscream's 'Hey, you're kinda cute' voice he only used…

"YOU STINKIN' IDIOT! QUIT HITTING ON ME!" Megatron pulled her grip out of the Seeker's.

"I'm sorry! It's been so long since I've seen an honest to Primus femme, that's all!" Starscream said, sweatdropping. "But I'm sure the rest of the Decepticons will be a lot less cordial towards you…"

"Listen up, Starscream! For your sake, you had better get those parts or else you'll feel my foot up your-ARGH, PRIMUS, that sounds so dirty coming from me!"

"It'd sound a lot worse coming from me…"

"I have to agree with you on that…for once."

-

Meatron sat, skulking in her room, writing and scribbling on a datapad furiously. A knock sounded from outside.

"Come in." she snarled, not looking up.

"Erm…sir?"

Looking up, she glared at Skywarp's sheepish grin. "WHAT?" she hissed, still scribbling on the data pad.

"Well, seeing as how you really aren't leading any missions anytime soon, um…can we have the day off?" Skywarp asked, slightly unsure on how their leader would act.

Megatron just glared at him. Normally, he would have said no, but he was feeling oddly generous today.

"Let me put it to you this way…" she said, slamming the datapad down on her desk. "Until those parts come in, I want NO ONE disturbing me! GOT IT?!" She grabbed the front of Skywarp's chest armor and pointed her plasma rifle at his spark threateningly.

"Y-Yes, sir!"

"Good. Tell the others. Oh, and Skywarp…" She gave a malicious grin. "Feel free to turn them loose on the humans and Autobots. I really could care less."

-

_A little later…_

"Primus, what's with all the Decepticons? They're all over the place!"

Ironhide was posting new Decepticon activity sightings down for future reference. "I don't know, Hide, but I'm worried." Ratchet said, shaking his head. "Among all of the Decepticons, Megatron isn't among ANY of them."

"Maybe he's finally dead?" Bumblebee piped up hopefully. "Optimus DID slice him open and good."

"I wouldn't put it past him to have a backup plan, Bee." Ironhide said. "The Decepticon base is bound to be completely empty around this time. Maybe we can convince Optimus to let us go."

"No need, Ironhide." Optimus was back from the latest call, dragging a semi conscious Starscream along with him. "There's a reason why Megatron isn't out and about. And I really need to see with my own optics to see in Starscream isn't lying."

"He told you? Why isn't Megatron out?" Bee inquired.

"Yeah, tell us, Optimus!" Ratchet added.

"Alright, if you insist. But be prepared in case Starscream pulls something."

-

_A bit later…_

Optimus, Ironhide, Ratchet and Bee were following the still woozy Seeker through the Decepticon base.

"I can't believe he bought our story." Ironhide snickered. "He thinks we're Decepticons!"

"What I can't believe is starscream's story." Ratchet said, optics glowing with apprehension. "Can we trust this slime?"

Bee wanted to answer, but he was too busy holding back his withheld laughter. 'Megatron's a femme?' This I HAVE to see!' He thought, snorting.

-

"Lord Megatron, you have visitors…" Starscream collapsed through the door, passed out.

"Starscream, you idiot! I oughta-!"

"HOLY SLAG, HE WASN'T LYING." Ironhide's optics were wide with surprise.

Megatron froze. Turning slowly, she glared at her surprised brother. "ARE YOU HAPPY, OPTIMUS? ARE YOU?!" She snarled at him. Optimus didn't move. "BECAUSE OF YOU, I'M A FREAK! A MECH IN FEMME ARMOR! WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF, HUH?! ANSWER ME!"

Optimus' face plates jerked into a smile.

"I always knew you were a cross dresser."

-

"ARGH!"

Megatron sat up, panting and shaking. "WHAT THE BLUE SLAG WAS THAT ABOUT?!" He asked at the top of his voice. He looked himself over…and he was back to his old self.

"Thank Primus. It was just a stupid dream." He groaned in a grateful way. "I'm never going to be a femme…"

"I should hope not…"

"Starscream? What the slag are you doing up at this hour? Why are you in my room? And why," he said, looking the Seeker over with surprise, "Are you a femme?"

"You tell me, Sir."

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**HOLY CRUD! I always knew Starscream could pass for a femme. He's so whiney sometimes… I almost wasn't going to write this, but I managed to.**


End file.
